I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost and alone. I feel like nothing i do is going to make anything better. Why does everything have to fall apart all at the same time? It's too much to handle right now. But I have to stay strong, for Mia. As hard as it may be. So if you see me, and I'm laughing and trying to make light of everything, it's just my tough exterior. Inside, I'm crying and screaming for help, but no one can hear me.

I love him, I really do. That's what makes this all so hard. We have been together for 29 months to the date. Engaged for 23 months. I just can't handle this anymore. If he doesn't have the courage to stand up to his family, then whats left? They have made it more then clear to me that they wont rest until the split us up. And if he wont stand up to them and make them understand that I am the one he wants to be with, then this is never going to work. Why wont he stand up to them? Is it that he is honestly that scared of them? Or does he really not believe I'm the one, and this is his easy solution? Either way, regardless what the answere is, I can't do it. I want to be with HIM, not his family. And if they are always going to be in the middle of our relationship, and he wont tell them to back off, then there is nothing left to fight for. I honestly don't think that he loves me anymore.

He keeps telling me he doesn't like being tied down, and that he is the only one who had to give up something for this relationship so I don't know what it's like. Well HELLO... I'm not free to roam as I please either! WE made a baby, and we need to deal with it now. I would have rathered wait a little longer, but I got blessed with a beautiful baby girl and I wouldn't change it for the world. He isn't tied down, he can go and do whatever he wants. I don't want someone there that isn't there in mind and body. And I had to give up a shit load too. I don't talk to like ANYONE anymore, a few close friends, that's about it. And I was loosing my mind being at home with Mia all day every day. So I went to work. It is a little more stressful and tiering, but I needed to do something to get out of the house.

I believe that the last trip to BC was when I finally felt that it was over. It was just a matter of time before we actually split up. I can't keep doing this! I can't keep crying myself to sleep every night. i can't keep climbing into bed, beside him every night and feeling more alone then if there was no one beside me.

I took off the engament ring too. The first time in 2 years that it has been off my finger. I love him, but I can't marry a man that makes me feel like this. When I said "yes" I was still getting butterflys in my stomach every time he walked threw the door. I don't get that anymore. And according to him, he never got them! The ring doesn't seem to mean anything to him anymore, so why should it mean anything to me? He doesn't compliment me anymore, he doesn't tell me im beautiful or anything. A girl needs to feel loved and appreciated. I don't.

I mde the decision last night, to go stay at my sisters for a while, and see where things go from there. I cried a little. And then I got up this morning and packed, cried a little more. Then pulled myseld together when mia got up, I need to be strong for her. I talked to my sister about everything that happened, and I never shed a tear. I also talked to another friend, no tears. They were there, I was screaming inside, but I just didn't have any tears left to cry. I worked my whole shift today, I was ok. And then I got back to my sisters, as soon as I saw my suitcases I just broke down. That's when reality sunk in I guess. And I have been crying ever since! This is hard, and I know it's going to be hard for a while. Nothing ever comes easy. But love shouldn't be this hard either. I'm bracing myself, for however this turns out. I am fully prepared for either outcome. And I honestly don't know which way i want this to go right now either. How bad is that? I just don't have the energy to do this anymore. A person can only take so much and I have lost all will power to even try anymore. I'm done.